Hello World of Tumblr.
It’s been quite some time.
I haven’t even looked at this site in 3 months.
My last post was… a typical Tumblr post, but definitely weird to leave my blog sit like that.
This is not me coming back. It’s an official statement that I never will.
After a lot of thought, I decided to leave Tumblr for good. It was not a hard decision, but it was tough to make it happen. I never thought I would be hooked on it like everyone said would happen. I tried to quit about 3 times, but Tumblr is somewhat like a drug that just keeps dragging you in, pulling you down, and essentially ruining your life. Or maybe it was only like that for me.
Tumblr allowed me to remain in my depressive state and never let me heal from events of my past. Although the main event I have in mind happened long before Tumblr, it somehow seeped it’s way into my life and I regressed very badly. I can’t say that this website caused the regression, but… well, since I’m making this statement already and I feel ready to be open about it, I’ll just say it: I was sexually abused at the age of 8 by a female my own age at the time. A classmate. A friend. Someone I trusted that more than let me down. She changed my entire life and all of me. The feelings toward what happened were repressed in my memory for a very long time and were brought to my attention when a major event happened in my town that involved serial rape. The more I learned about sexual assault, the more the memories came rushing back and I realized I was also a victim. Well, to be honest I was a victim more than once and all to females my age. I know now that it was never my fault, but I think the reason it happened so often to me is because I was and have always been an easy target. I’m naturally vulnerable and timid and that’s something I am working on, but that does not excuse what those girls did to me. I’m doing a LOT better than I was 2 years ago when these memories fled back to me. But the road to recovery is neverending, so I just need to keeping trucking on. Tumblr didn’t help this road to recovery because it felt like a constant reminder that sexual assault is a part of my life that can’t be changed. At the same time, it did help me by teaching me about victim blaming and that I’m not alone and I am so thankful for that.
There are a few people I know in real life on here that may or may not see this post. If you do see this, I’m sorry you had to read it on a website like this, but sometimes it’s easier than bringing it up in person. I never know where to begin when telling people about it. There’s absolutely never a right time. I can count on one hand the number of people that know this about me and I won’t be able to count how many people know after this. But I’m not going to hide it anymore. If you do read this, and I do know you, you don’t have to pretend you never read it (I mean, do what you want, but I’m okay talking about it now.)
I don’t know what it is about this website that affected my life so much. It controlled every aspect. I was never so depressed than the 2.5 years I spent on here daily. It’s amazing that I’ve only been away for 3 months because it feels like an eternity, and I’ve never been so cured.
I feel very sad that 1. it took me 2 and a half years to finally let go and 2. that there are so many teenagers on this website that are exposed to filth. I’m not talking about porn, that’s another story. It may sound a little dramatic, but this site was poison to my life. Obsessively checking notes and follows and messages (and most of the time having very little of each). And the insane amount of posts about depression and self-harm and the way that everyone spoke as if they were better than everyone else. It was like high school times a thousand. You had to have the coolest blog, become tumblr famous, and then answer all of your messages with sass, sarcasm, and pettiness. That’s just how the hierarchy works here. It does not matter what kind of a person you are, but if you take cool pictures and wear interesting clothing and have an attitude you’re the shit. Well, not in my book. Not anymore.
Eventually I may delete this blog. I don’t look at it anyway. But I do miss all of the people I used to talk to on here. Even if it was just an exchange or two. And it’s possible that I will one day come back for only my Stone Harbor blog because it feels important to me to keep it updated. I need to be more secure in life and find some time for that to happen, but I do hope to come back to it someday. I may possibly create website for it.
If you took the time to read this, thank you.
When a band/singer/actor/human being I like starts following me on Twitter before I’m following them
Regarding my degree:
- Me: Omg James Franco is freaking...
- Dad walks in
- Me: .. educated.
are the netflix ratings messed up? it seems to suddenly think i’d rate movies a LOT lower than i would. like.. why would i rate lilo & stitch 1.1 stars when i watch disney and other kid movies all the time? and this movie i just watched.. it said i’d rate it 2.8 but i rated it 5. i’m not a harsh rater and netflix should totes know that by now.
22 year old me listening to Closing Time by Semisonic remembering 7 year old me thinking this poor guy doesn’t have a car and really needs his mom to pick him up wondering why he had to write a song about it
2 weeks until Rush comes out
2 weeks until Don Jon comes out
2 weeks until HIMYM is back
3 weeks until Breaking Bad ends
8 weeks until Thor: The Dark World comes out
10 weeks until the Hunger Games comes out
…this is my life
feminists won’t take your opinions seriously because you’re a man? woah dude that sucks. as a woman I can’t even imagine. thank god no one has ever devalued my insight because of my sex and gender